Mill Creek resident Taso Lagos blogs as a middle-aged new parent. The following fictional letter is satire based on real events.
Dear President Vladimir Putin,
I cordially invite you to visit Mill Creek, home to a burgeoning Mafia, premium real estate, a bunny infestation, expensive grocery stores, and rotating city administrators. If you ever feel nostalgic for the old Soviet Politburo, please come.
Thank you for helping to elect Donald Trump president in 2016. We are a happier, wealthier, healthier, and more productive nation than ever.
Your wisdom and foresight put into place an administration who changed America, and you did it despite all the dirty tricks the U.S. played on Russia under Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. Remember how Americans swore we’d never place missiles in Eastern Europe, only to plant them anyway?
What about the promised financial aid we said we would extend to you after the Soviet Union collapsed? President George H.W. Bush reneged on the deal. Russia was left to die in the gutter and would have were it not for leaders like you who secretly sold oil to prevent it.
Let’s not even start on the Cold War and the millions of nasty tricks we played on you, and you on us, and the innocents who perished in the fight. No monument for them, no flowers placed every year in their memory.
You could have turned your back on us after all the harm done to you, but instead, you used Wikileaks to intervene in the election against Hilary Clinton. We owe you more than gratitude; every American family should pledge their eldest son or daughter to join your military. American mothers should name their babies Vladimir and Vladimira after you.
After the 2016 election, racism disappeared, income inequality vanished, women were paid the same as men, disabled were regarded like able-bodied, little black and white kids play together as one, and even Coca Cola tastes better.
Everything the new administration touches turns to gold. Our health care system is cheaper and more available. More than 100,000 folks are dead from the virus, but without the government’s effort, 1,000,000 would have perished. While China, France, Spain, Italy and England lie in ruins from the evil plague, we bask in glory; so few infected, so very few dead. It’s a miracle.
We pray heartless liberals and their evil plans for world domination are vanquished, and those neurotic academics bloated from fat salaries who spout anti-patriotic sentiment are eliminated. These same academics recently branded George Washington a homosexual! What hubris!
Our president plans bigly. Not only to invade Greenland, but soon Mexico will be the 51st state. And then all the Central America countries will become U.S. protectorate states. No more illegal immigration on our southern border. Costa Rica will be like Puerto Rico, and never again will we worry about drug dealers, rapists, and lowlifes trampling our hallowed grounds.
More Americans, of all political persuasions, recognize we have the finest leader our nation has ever produced. This month a group of historians declared him the very supremo the Founding Fathers had in mind when drafting the U.S. Constitution.
So no need to meddle in our elections this November, Mr. Putin, because the administration has banned the fraud-prone mail-in ballots and the reduced number of polling stations will keep those pesky liberals from stuffing the ballot boxes.
Glory be to you, your ex-wife, your children, your advisors, your parliament, your secret bank accounts, your citizens, and your precious, but fulminous love for our country.
With deep and passionate respect,
Gurna F. Zeeb
Highly Unusual Names Society
(Ex-officio fictional resident of Mill Creek)