Mill Creek resident Taso Lagos blogs as a middle-aged new parent. The following fictional letter is satire based on real events.
(Several fictional Mill Creekers wrote angry emails in response to the fictional letter written to President Putin last week. These emails are combined into one representative letter here.)
Dear Mr. Smarty Pants,
Must’ve been a real stretch to connect President Putin with Mill Creek. Burned some extra mental calories there.
Then to associate our beautiful community with the old Soviet Politburo is, here’s a word difficult for you to swallow, ludicrous.
There’s been a high turnover of Mill Creek officials in the past few years, but really, comparing us to the old-folks Politburo where there was none?! At least we have the guts to clear out deadwood when we spot it.
Have you noticed that almost nobody reads your column? Last week you had 14 likes. The high school parade piece? 147. Do the math, if you're capable.
And what’s up with your obsession with the president? Somebody pay you to write crap about him?!
Okay, the guy’s made a few mistakes, so? He’s human, unlike you. The country still works. Checked the stock market lately? If a Demo-rat (correct spelling!) was in office, it’d be in the toilet, where you belong.
All you care is about emotions. Touchy-feely or save the earth and don’t harm the animals crap.
Hey pal, if people would’ve thought this way back when we emerged from the caves, we’d still be there, grunting and dying at twenty years-old.
People sacrificed, fought and worked hard to get to where we are today, and they weren’t hugging trees to do it.
Tell me something pal, a group of Vikings just landed on your beach and they’re coming after your wife and kids. What’re you going to do, throw them flowers and show them the way to your house?!
You think life is one big love-in? That’s what cone-headed types like to think; you sit in your little ivory tower and watch the rest of us break our backs so you can have food on your table.
So, you can spout out about the president. Well, he worked hard to get to where he is today. And maybe he slipped a few wads here and there to get his way, so what?
You think Abraham Lincoln didn’t ask for any favors? Name one great leader who rose to the top by playing it clean – just one!
How much money are you worth? If you’re so smart why aren’t you in politics and serving the people like Trump does, every day.
You say you care about others, but you only really love your little vanity. It galls you when people succeed, when they write famous books and get lucrative contracts.
You have one book on Amazon that sold one copy, probably to your mother, just to help you out. It took you 12 years to write that mush? My five year-old daughter could’ve done it in a few months.
So now you pen your little column to the wind, hoping somebody will read your book and make it into a movie. The sun will be burned up before that happens.
If you had any brains and anything resembling a heart, for the daughter that you have as a “fossil dad,” whatever that means, you’d have a real job, provide for your family and give your daughter a chance to make something of yourself.
In other words, you’d do what most decent, peace-loving Americans do every day – get up, even when they don’t want to, put in hours at a job that kills them, but they do it because that’s how we left caves – we don’t care about ourselves, we only care about our families.
Trump cares about his family. So what if he decides to have his kids take over the presidency? They’re smart, they’re good looking, they know what matters most in this country is Wall Street.
The new administration gets it. They’ll keep us safe. The economy will always be great under their control. You can at least pay them some respect, but of course since you have none, all you can do is whine!
Concerned Mill Creekers